


One in a Zillion

by WitchofVoid



Series: Genstuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Divergence, Eventual babies, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Post-SBurb AU, Teen Pregnancy, Tricksters, how many times can I change the description until I'm satisfied, its hard and no one understands, kids not knowing what the hell they're doing, relationships are kind of a mess, tagging relationships is hard, trickster shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-26
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-02-27 01:57:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2674604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchofVoid/pseuds/WitchofVoid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A red and green lollipop leads to unexpected consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wedding

==>Trickster Jake: GET MARRIED X2 COMBO

Today is simply the most splendid day of your life!

You are getting married to two of your best friends, both of whom you love with extremely non-platonic romantic passion, and you couldn’t be happier! It’s a shame Dirk isn’t here. You just know he would have wanted to get married too, even if he rejected the offer earlier, but oh well! You’re too cheery to feel down right now! Candy and alcohol is the perfect combination!

Nobody wanted to waste any time with wedding plans, so everyone chose to have it on LOCAH. The brightly-colored flowers are absolutely peachy! And who needs wedding garments when the clothing you’re currently wearing is perfect! Your shirt reminds you of sour apple, and sour apple is the BEST THING EVER! 

You look over at your soon-to-be wives. They both practically radiate sweetness. You couldn’t have picked two better people to decide to have a zillion babies with! You wonder if their cheek swirls taste as dandy as they look. You consider asking one of them for a quick lick, but that’ll have to wait till later, since the ceremony is starting!

Gamzee clears his throat and looks over the paper Jane told him to read off of. You briefly notice his unsettled expression, but dismiss it immediately, since no one can be unhappy on such a delightful evening! “Dearly motherfucking’ beloved, we are gathered here on the most righteous of days to celebrate the union of Jake English, Jane Crocker, and Roxy Lalonde in mirthful motherfucking matrimony,” he drawls out. You advised him to improvise when needed, to make it seem more personal. You do not regret it! “Do you, Jake English, take these lovely ladies to be your mirthfully wedded forever-matesprits?”

“Of course I do!” you gleefully cheer.

“Do you, Roxy Lalonde and Jane Crocker, take this bitchin’ brother to be your mirthfully mutherfucking wedded forever-matesprit?”

“Fuck yeah!” declares Roxy.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way!” Jane exclaims, waving her green and red lollipop in the air. 

“Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you motherfucking perma-matesprits. Kiss your motherfucking brides, brother!”

First, you pull out the ring pops and place them on everyone’s ring fingers. Then you, Jane, and Roxy dive in for a three-way kiss. It’s a little difficult and kind of sloppy, but you don’t care because you’re ecstatic! 

“This has been the best moment of my whole entire life!” Jane says when you all pull apart. “But Jake, we forgot to plan the reception!”

“Then we’ll just have to skip to the honeymoon!” 

And with that, you and your newly-wedded wives fly off into the starry night sky. A little voice in the back of your head tells you that this is all wrong, that you shouldn’t be doing any of this, but you dispel it immediately in favor of thinking about how much fun you’re going to have! You just have to find Dirk now to share it all with him! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to SeerofHope_KnightofDoom for helping me edit.


	2. Repercussions

==>Roxy: Say Goodbye to John

You finish painting the toilet bowl with all the colors of the wind and sit up, slouching against the wall. Your stomach feels a little less churny, but you still have a terrible taste in your mouth. You groan and attempt to rub circles on your belly, hoping that it’ll make it stop doing fucking somersaults. 

Was it something you ate? You scroll through your recent memory to find a suspect. Jane prepared dinner today. It couldn’t be Janey’s cooking, could it? You hope it isn’t. Her food is always fucking amazing, it would be terrible if it was the offender. Has she been using a new ingredient? You don’t think so. The food you aren’t producing with the alchemiter is only from recognizable species. While you’re pretty sure that death by food poisoning isn’t heroic or just, no one is lining up to be a test subject. 

Come to think of it, you’ve been sick pretty often lately, which is a little weird. Even when you lived alone, you rarely became ill. Sometimes you throw up, and other times you get headaches. Have you caught something? You hope you haven’t caught something. What if someone else catches it too? If everyone gets sick, it’ll seriously dampen all of the progress you’ve been making in your new civilization. 

You decide not to worry about it. When you get nauseous, it fades pretty quickly. Plus, if whatever’s wrong with you is contagious, it would have affected someone else by now. 

You stand up, flushing the toilet because it’s making you feel queasy just looking at it and leaving it is really freaking gross. You scrub your face and hands in the sink. You’re supposed to be on guard duty soon. Everyone agreed that at least two people should be stationed outside at all times during the night. Even if your universe has been populated for two months, you really don’t want to find out if anything else lives in the woods. Rose is supposed to be with you tonight. You wonder if you should go look for her, she should have been trying to find you already.

Or not.

Just as you finish drying off your hands, Rose stumbles into the bathroom and slouches against the door. By the glazed look in her eyes and the flush in her cheeks you can tell she’s been drinking again. And you have to watch the village with her tonight. Fucking superb.

You never say anything, but seeing Rosie drink kind of bothers you. Like, a lot. You know she’s been trying hard to stay sober, but there are nights when she relapses. You have no idea where she got the alcohol from this time. You feel like you should try looking for it so you can dump that shit in the ocean or something.

“Hi mom,” Rose greets you, slurring her words. She waves her hand wildly for a good ten seconds. “Been drinkin’ again?”

“No, Rose, I just feel like complete and utter shit right now.”

“I’m shorry, Rox,” she says, walking unsteadily over to you and pulling you into her arms. She starts awkwardly petting your hair. “I fink I heard Jane say she washn’t felling well either. Maybe it’s a epimedic…epimecid...epi...epi...fuck that word.”

“Do you mean epidemic, Rose?...Rose?”

Rose’s arms have gone limp around you. Yup, she passed out. Super. You sigh. You really need to get her to bed. And find someone else to cover for her. One of the trolls might still be awake, you figure. Hell, Aradia might already be on the roof charting stars again. You hope she won’t mind if she’s there.

You manage to half-carry, half-drag Rose to her makeshift room and put her in her bed, covering her up with a blanket. You also decide to sneak to the kitchen and fill a glass of water to leave on her nightstand. You know she’ll appreciate that in the morning.

You climb up the stairs to the second floor and then the ladder leading to the roof. You open the trapdoor and haul yourself up. John and Jake are sitting on the edge of the building, chatting up a storm. They must have been waiting for you and Rose to get here before they left. As you walk towards them they both turn around, having heard your footsteps.

“Salutations, Roxy!” Jake greets you. “How are you on this swell evening? Or is it technically morning now?”

“I’m just peaches and cream, Jakey,” you lie. Was that convincing? You hope your skin doesn’t still look pasty. “Uh, Rose kind of drank the piss outta herself and conked the fuck out. Do you know if anyone else is up to cover for her?”

“Y’know, Roxy, you don’t look all that great,” John says, giving you an adorably concerned look. “If you want, we can take the next shift, right Jake?” 

“Of course! I’m still up and raring to go!”

“I’m fine, you guys, honest!” you say, even if your stomach highly disagrees with you. 

“Oh fiddle-faddle, Roxy!” Jake says. “If you aren’t feeling in top-notch shape, you should get some rest. John and I really don’t mind staying on watch again.”

You realize that they aren’t going to let you stay up. “Fiiiiinnnneee. I’ll go catch some z’s then, but I owe you both, mkay?”

You say your goodbyes and head back inside to get to your room. You lay in your bed and pull the covers up. You really need to think of something to do for John and Jake. 

As you begin to drift off, you make a mental note to talk to Jane tomorrow. She hasn't been feeling great either lately. Maybe you’re both down with the same thing? But wouldn’t that mean it’s contagious? Wouldn’t someone else have been affected by now? 

Whatever. You can think about this tomorrow. For now, you need to get some sleep. Or at least try to. You feel another round of nausea coming on.

You get the feeling it’s going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long. I had no intentions of letting this get so out of hand, but I am going to try to get my writing schedule back on track. Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long as this one did XD
> 
> Something probably important to note: this entire AU was conceived long before the giga-pause ended, so assume this is still in the pre-retcon timeline and they somehow survived.


	3. Suspicion

==>Roxy: Be Jane

You think you might be pregnant. 

Well, think is a loose word. You have no idea what else it could be. You’re absolutely petrified, and dearly hoping that the stick in your hand will prove you wrong.

Your new universe was everything you could have hoped for. The earth was salvaged and renewed, though not quite the same as it had been. There are vast expanses of trees and mountains in the distance, as well as an ocean as far as you can see. There are still stars in the sky, but they’re different than you remember, and Calliope and Aradia have started charting them. You get used to seeing three moons in the night sky before you go to bed at night. The carapacians have settled to the north, finally living peacefully together under a democracy.

It hasn’t been easy to cultivate your new home. There’s been land to clear, places to build, and a whole lot of life skills to learn, but the consorts were happy to help, and after three months of work, you’re finally reaching stability. Houses are being finished up now, but only for the sake of everyone having their own space and the option of privacy, because honestly, you think you’ve all grown to like living together in the massive building in the middle of your settlement.

Life has been pretty pleasant, so far. You’ve managed to patch up things with your friends, and you love all of your new ones. You even still have your father, a blessing the others weren’t gifted with. But a few months ago, you started feeling...odd. 

You’d get stomach sick frequently, no matter what you ate. You also felt tired constantly. You tried to justify it by rationalizing that it was due to how much you were doing, what with going out on supply runs or making everyone dinner or exploring the wilderness, but you weren’t sleeping any less than you usually did. 

Those facts, however, didn’t immediately register with you, until you realized that you were late for your monthly. And then missed it entirely. You started to worry, even if you’ve never... engaged in those kind of activities before.

...But then you realized that you had.

You try so very, very hard to forget that technicolor disaster, even if you don’t remember most of it anyway. It doesn’t change the fact that it happened, and you had a good reason to begin panicking. Not to mention the fact that Roxy told you a few weeks ago that she was feeling similarly. Even then, you chose to wait. It could have just been a coincidence, after all.

When you were late a second time, you decided that you needed some reassurance.

So here you are, standing by the bathroom door, with Roxy across from you, holding an identical stick in her hand. It wasn’t easy to get ahold of a pregnancy test. You had to experiment for a few days with the alchemiter, without being seen. Not to mention the alchemiter is already limited on grist nowadays. You don’t remember how the tests ended up being Fruit Gusher themed, but it’s all you’ve got. 

You’ve been standing here for a while. You shuffle your feet. Roxy yawns.

“Um...are we going to do it?” you ask.

“You should go first.” 

“What! Why me?”

“Because, dear Janey, you have great leadership ability,” Roxy says, crossing her arms. 

“You’re only saying that because you’re scared!”

“Well shit Jane, it’s not like I don’t know if I have a wriggler growing inside me or not.”

“Fine, Roxy,” you sigh in defeat, ‘I’ll go first if it makes you feel better. We can’t wait much longer here anyway, someone might be back soon.”

It only takes you a short amount of time to figure out how to use the test and finish your business, and you wait for Roxy when you’re done. You both have to endure the longest five minutes ever, and you spend it nervously pacing the hallway. There’s still a chance you may not have a bun in the oven, you tell yourself. If only you believed that, because your skin is getting clammy and you feel like you might keel over. 

“Hey Jane, they should be done by now,” Roxy says, breaking you out of your stupor. 

You both step into the bathroom and pick up your respective tests, which you put on the sink counter facing down. “Well, here goes nothing…”

You take a deep breath and flip the test over. 

Pink.

A pink plus sign.

You had a feeling it was coming, but seeing the answer so plainly laid out before you doesn’t give you room to doubt anymore. It sinks in and you can’t do anything but stare at the test in your shaking palm. The room is suddenly becoming dim and claustrophobic.

“Aw, shit,” Roxy groaned, tossing the test back on the sink counter. You glanced over at it. A matching pink plus.

You’re both pregnant. You’re both pregnant and sixteen years old and what are you going to do? What are you supposed to do?

“Maybe these tests are bs? I mean, we did make em’ out of sticks, some old batteries, and life gushers…,” says Roxy, trailing off. 

“But everything fits so perfectly…” You halt when you come to a realization.

“...Who is the father?” you whisper.

“We only have two options here, Jane.”

“We’re gonna have to tell them both at some point.” You came to another realization. 

“I’m going to have to tell my dad.” What was he going to say? Was he going to be upset? Disappointed?

“Look Janey, I think you’re getting like, way ahead of yourself here,” Roxy says, looping an arm around your shoulder. “We shouldn’t go flying off the handle till we know for certs.”

“I...guess you’re right…” If you really are pregnant, then you’ll certainly know soon enough.

“Just take a chill pill for now. We can decide what to do later.”

You take careful concern with stashing away the tests. Maybe Roxy is right, it might be better to wait. Even if you’re pretty goshdarn certain about it, at the very least you should take some time to think over your next course of action. Are you just imagining things, or do you already look bigger?

You should probably do something to calm down. Maybe you’ll bake something? You haven’t made pie in a while. Pie sounds great to you.

You don’t know why, but you could really, really go for something sweet right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's storytime (I apologize for this note being lengthy)
> 
> So I first conceived this idea a few months before the gigapause ended, and I thought that I was going to be able to get a good ways into this series before the pause ended, so that I wouldn't be tempted to change components of the story. That obviously didn't happen.
> 
> Then I firgured that Homestuck was going to be ending soon, and so I thought I was going to be able to get a good ways into this series before then, because, being a post-game story, seeing the legitimate ending of Homestuck was highly likely to tempt me to change the direction and major components of the entire series. That obviously didn't happen either. 
> 
> I must confess that, after watching Act 7, I did decide to change a few things, so there will be elements taken from the ending in this series, but it has not affected the overall direction of this story. We can assume that this AU is still taking place in the Pre-Retcon timeline, but everyone somehow managed to get passed that horrible clusterfuck, and certain events occurring in the Post-Retcon timeline still happened. (for example, my recent decision to include Dad Crocker and Calliope) 
> 
> I am determined to not abandon this fic again. As I am writing this I am already in the process of writing chapter 4. I believe that Homestuck ending has given me the drive to continue, as I feel compelled to "continue the story", so to speak.


	4. Confession

⇒ Roxy: Pester Dirk

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 14:27 -- 

TG: hey dirk  


TG: dirk  


TG: diiirrk  


TT: Sup, Roxy?  


TG: i got something thats like  


TG: REALLY FUCKIN IMPORTANT  


TG: to tell u  


TG: that i thought u should know  


TT: How important are we talking, here?  


TG: well it wont be a real issue for like 5 or 6 months or smth  


TG: look u just gotta promise u wont freak out ‘kay?  


TT: Fine. Whatever important issue you’re telling me about, I promise not to do an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle.  


TG: AHEM  


TG: ok so like u remember when colorful candy mindfuckfest happened?  


TT: I try not to think about it.  


TT:I thought we all agreed not to think about it.  


TG: i know  


TG: its just that  


TG: uhhh  


TG: i think some of that sweet neon sugar got into my pink frosted donut  


TT: Roxy, that doesn’t make any fucking sense.  


TG: ok then  


TG: somebody put there banana in my peach pit and now weve got FRUIT SALAD  


TT: …  


TT: Roxy, speak in plain English.  


TG: fine  


TG: this euphemism thing isnt gonna work  


TG: im preggant  


TG: *pregnant  


TG: dammit typo im trying 2 b serious  


TG: ...dirk?  


TG: u still there?  


TT: Yes, I’m still here.  


TG: r u gonna like  


TG: say something??  


TT: I’ll be honest, Roxy, I don’t know what to say.  


TT: The stock lines don’t seem appropriate.  


TT: “Congratulations”?  


TG: dirk  


TG: u do realize  


TG: that ur like  


TG: my maybebabydaddy  


TG: rite?  


TG: kinda y i thought u should know about it  


TT: Fuck.  


TT: …  


TT: Have you told Jake yet?  


TT: If I’m a “maybebabydaddy,” then wouldn’t he be one, too?  


TG: nah it took me forever jus to tell you bout it  


TG: jane was gonna tell jake first and i was gonna tell u first  


TT: Jane was going to tell Jake that you’re pregnant.  


TT: Or do you mean she’s pregnant, too?  


TG: …  


TG: aw fuck  


TG: i wasnt supposed to say anything janey wanted 2 tell u herself  


TG: oh well just promise u wont tell anyone yet ok?  


TT: I won’t, trust me. I don’t want everyone asking questions yet.  


TG: kk thx dirky  


TT: Yeah.

\-----

==> Jane: Reveal

“Jake, I’m…pregnant.”

Even if you’re talking to a bathroom mirror, the words come out as a whisper. You slap your forehead in frustration. If you can’t say it to your reflection, how are you going to say it to Jake?

“Ok, take two. Jane, you can do this.” You clear your throat, making sure you start confidently this time. “Jake! I’m having a baby, and the baby is you-yours! I meant yours! I mean, maybe? It could be Dirk’s too…” 

You groan and sink to the ground with your back against the door. Why is this so difficult? Oh, maybe because you’re pregnant and terrified and the father might be the boy you’ve been trying desperately hard to stop having a crush on. Would the situation be any less awkward if Dirk ends up being the father? Probably not. 

You know you have to do something soon, but every time you see Jake, you get too nervous to say anything. You just end up fumbling over your words like a loon and giving up. You figure your time limit is almost up, though. 

You already have a baby bump.

You find yourself rubbing it gently. It’s still small enough to not be too noticeable yet, but if you wait much longer the others might start getting suspicious. You think your dad may already be onto you. You feel bad for not telling him already, but you promised yourself you would after you told Jake. Which you haven’t made any progress on. Would it be appropriate to bake a cake as a form of pregnancy announcement? Just write ‘Congratulations! You Might Be a Father!’ on the top in icing?

You’ll consider it. For now, you need to stop sitting on this bathroom floor and maybe get some fresh air.

\-----

⇒ Dirk: Mental Breakdown

You are currently attempting not to freak the fuck out. 

Roxy has recently informed you via internet message that she and Jane are both pregnant. Both of them. Possibly with your children. Because of a night of sugary japery and assholery. You’re positive that somebody out there has decided that you haven’t endured enough bullshit in your life. 

You're currently sitting near the edge of your small village’s central building roof. You’ve found that it’s a great place to go when you’re on the verge of having a breakdown. It’s tall, and provides a good view of the distant mountains and forests. The sunset is a pleasant shade of orange, casting a soft light on the cluster of square and can-shaped houses. 

You would probably be talking to Dave right now, but Roxy asked you not to tell anyone about your situation just yet. Oh god, Dave. You think about how much your alternative self royally fucked him over. How are you going to potentially father a child? Or even two? You can’t just ditch Jane and Roxy. But what if you end up screwing up a kid the same way Dave’s Bro did? 

Your thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the hatch opening behind you. Jane climbs up and out of it, noticing you and squinting due to the glare of the sun. 

“Dirk, is that you? What are you doing up here?”

“Just been thinking,” you reply.

“Looks like you had the same idea I did. Mind if I join you?” she asks. 

“Go ahead.”

She walks over and sits next to you. You can’t help but notice her slight weight gain. It’s barely there, mostly covered by her shirt, but definitely there. You try not to stare and instead continue to watch the sun slip down the horizon. Several minutes pass in silence.

“Hey, Dirk?” she begins, wringing her hands nervously. “There’s something I have to tell you. Something kind of important. I’m…”

“Pregnant?” you finish, and she gapes at you. “Roxy accidentally told me. She sent me a message earlier today.”

“She beat me to it, huh? I wanted to tell you myself, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.” She sighs. More silence follows. 

You’re surprised when her arms wrap around you suddenly, and she’s shaking. “Dirk. I’m so, so sorry!” Tears are spilling down her cheeks. “You didn’t want anything to do with this, and we dragged you into this mess, and…”

You put an arm around her. “Jane. You all weren’t in your right minds, and you’re the one who’s pregnant. I think you got the shittier end of the metaphorical stick.”

“But Dirk…”

You sigh. “Look, it’s in the past now. All we can do is try to deal with our current situation.” You think for a moment. “Hey, you know what? Regardless of who the father is, I’ll be there for you and Roxy.” It’s the least you can do. 

“Thanks, Dirk, that means a lot to me.” She detaches herself from you and wipes her eyes. “Golly, this baby has already made me such a wreck!” 

That makes two of us, you think. 

It’s going to be a long road ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for leaving this work for so long I am an awful writer please forgive me.
> 
> We now return with The Maury Show: Candyland Edition
> 
> (yay HTML)


End file.
